Seahorse Design

So, today, we are going to discuss the Good cop/Bad cop interrogation technique. Would you like that? Great! Let’s get started. For this technique, you need two cops, a small room and a suspect - that’s you! I’m good cop and I want to be your friend. Would you like to be my friend? Let’s be friends. Now that we are two friends in one room, we can learn about interrogation techniques.

More here…

Also, I wrote a short story about a moron trying to buy coffee. This one, sadly, is unavailable online, unless you are a reviewer on the flash fiction section of zeotrope virtual studio which is unlikely. Zeotrope appears to my rheumatic eyes to be something more than an online mouse pad for young scamps to dribble poetry on, like drugged up rascals.

I also entered the thing you can’t read into a short story competition, which I won’t mention either, because I am going to lose. In fact, you never read this paragraph. You were never here.

A small ad in today’s “Ark Times”:

Wanted, someone to build ark, then fill it with animals, including ducks.

When I answered, it turned out to be God.

“Today“, he said, “could be your lucky day. I need an ark, and fast.“

I told him that my ark building experience was somewhat limited. He asked how limited and I said that it was limited to landscape gardening, which is what I actually do. He said that didn’t matter, as I would have a huge incentive to get the work finished, which he’s not yet prepared to tell me about, but sort of maybe involves rain.

It was all going fine until I asked about the ducks. God got really angry and said, “I do hope you’re not going to argue about that, not like the last guy did.”. I said “No, no ducks are fine with me. It’s your money“. He seemed happier then. Told me he wants me to get started next week.

Now I just have to call in sick for a month. I’ll tell the neighbors it’s an art installation.

My name is I.C. Suckers, and I invented the daily power sneeze. Yesterday, I jetted into Indonesia by bicycle, to join a meeting of Indonesian Bloggers and suck up their vibes. It was a great opportunity for me to brain-dump my info-monkey on them, even though about 99% of them only spoke Indonesian and I don’t.

Heh - now that could have been a real inter-lingual communications spark freak disaster! But luckily one of them spoke Powerpoint and he was able to poke the others with his digital finger.

I got to meet Toby Jackson, the inventor of the spagback! We shook hands! It was keeewwwwel!

Indonesian Blog Meet Stats!!

• 100% of them wore shoes!
• Some of them had their hair combed to the left. That surprised me, as I know for a fact that hair combing is still in its infancy in Indonesia
• 20 of the wore suits, and 10 of those suits were dark blue. Now that was unexpected!
• About 57.32% had laptops, while 99% had laps. One guy had a laptop but no lap. So his laptop just dropped right through his legs. Mega heavy bad design. When will the makers of laptops learn that not everyone has a lap?

A quick wander told me that most of the laptops were switched to Google, but some of them were switched to CNN and one of them had Microsoft Outlook, Mega-Keewwwwel. The rest of them just hid their lap tops and asked me something angry in Indonesian. I had forgotten that in their culture, it’s rude to stare at a lap top. I apologised for this blunder and wrote a note about it on a napkin. If only I had brought my latest book - “How to Go to Indonesia and Not Look Like an Idiot. - only $99.99 through my web site“, I thought, hastily.

Back in my hotel room, I power ate a Krakatoa Special Meal for One, and I pondered the marketing opportunities for a shrink wrap that doesn’t actually stick to noodles. Then I ran around the room for a bit before falling asleep in the wardrobe. Great fun and definitely very keeewwwwel.

My name is I.C. Suckers. If you want more of me, enter your credit card details now.

At some low point in the 1960’s, the Beatles decided to put their power for harmony to the good of the planet. They recorded an album of their number one songs, re-written to emphasise the delicacy of nature and the importance of animals in general. The album was never released however, due to squabbling among band members.

Today, however, some of those re-written lyrics can be exclusively revealed. The song “There’s a Bee” is all about how, no matter what else happens, bees exist - and we should thank them for that. (The bees, not the Beatles).

There’s a Bee

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, there’s a bee.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. there’s a bee.
There’s a bee, there’s a bee…..

ah, fuck it.